What's in
your
well

It is easy to assume that particular values and social norms should be understood by most if not all persons, not only because of assumed exposure, but we often appoint common sense as the champion that fills the gaps of ignorance and naivete. The truth is, this assumption is a fallacy.

To bring it home, here’s a few miscellaneous common-sense expectations that are typically projected: how should a woman be treated? the definition of love? how should a child be disciplined? and, the most reasonable way to manage frustration/anxiety.

We can find different approaches to the above statements as a consequence of how learning occurs and what values are kept after the learning process has shaped and influenced character. While some animals are limited to associative learning (the linkage between an abstract idea and behavior through reinforcement), humans beings have the advantage of associative learning and cognitive social learning. This means we have the capacity to form mental frameworks of situations and develop appropriate responses without being confined to the actual situation. In other words, we can learn from a distance, without the need for a first-hand experience. What compounds this is the fact everyone’s social experiences are unequal, thus the values and behaviors associated with any of the aforementioned statements will never be consistent, only similar, or vastly different.

Here’s the punchline – you could imagine that we all have cognitive WELLS. These wells represent our capacity to learn socially or conditionally. If one were to slap labels on these ‘wells’ they would represent- love, relationships, courtesies, discipline, hate, grief, and the list continues, but we’ll work with these. For argument’s sake, being born with the capacity to love does not make the definition of love universal. For some women love is being manhandled or spoken to in a particular way, this excites them and creates the space where they are willing to invest and feel valued. To another, love might be the reciprocation of kind gestures and behavioral expectations – the former might think the latter is weak, but the latter might think the former is unhealthy, it all depends on what’s in your well. What occupies these wells and what we put into practice define our value systems, and inform our behaviors. This is why abused children grow up to be adults incapable of fathoming physical beatings as a suitable form of discipline for their children, also, why orphans sometimes have a hard time expressing gratitude because trust was not fully established at its earliest stage, rendering people rude or uncouth.

In hindsight, this may seem obvious, but it’s highly overlooked and most times people are confused by the train of thought that enables the actions of others. Those actions being different from what one might have done and the values held are typically followed by statements such as ‘who does that ?’ or ‘that doesn’t make sense.’ Even within the same cultural context, people’s actions will always come off as strange or abnormal but keep in mind what fills your well isn’t necessarily what fills theirs, moreover, the privileges and values afforded to you aren’t afforded to all, even at the most rudimentary level.